Cycle Day 6 – Emotional Rollercoaster

So far there are 4 people who know our situation: Mr.E, my mom, my BFF, and me. Why are we keeping it so secret? Well, you can’t unring a bell. Once people know there’s no going backwards and you can’t stop the flow of information from them to others. I don’t want people feeling sorry for me or constantly asking if I feel ok or how I’m doing with a pitiful look on their faces. First of all I can’t stand that. But second of all my “game face” is pretty fragile and sometimes the slightest thing can make it crumble!

Here’s a snippet of an email I sent today to my BFF who recently got married and wants a gazillion kids 🙂

When you wrote earlier today the surgery was next Friday 12/14. It’s been an emotional roller coaster of a day with fears we would have to wait until Jan 4 or even a week after that because the hospital notified us of a scheduling problem this morning. But they just moved it to Thursday, a week from today, thank goodness! So actually it’s a day before the original appt. Its 90% set for Thursday, anyway, just need a note from Mr.E’s doctor for his professor so that he can take his final exam early.

We will find out right away if they found any sperm. I mean, I think it’s within minutes of cutting because if they find some they freeze them right then. So a week from today I’ll know if I get to have kids.

Well its not quite that dramatic, I guess. But we’ll know if we get to do IVF here or if we have to go to Cornell in NYC for them to try a different sperm retrieval technique that probably costs like $20k. Theirs has a 60% success rate. I think they wait 6 months between procedures though so we wouldnt be able to do that until June. This is just so so so hard. I never imagined wanting a baby this much until someone told me I couldn’t have one. Now I wonder what the point of life is if I can’t.

How are you? Are you guys settled? How’s work? I hope you’re happy! I hope you’re trying to have babies if you want them. If you don’t have success within the first few months please please please go get some testing. I can tell you exactly what tests you need regardless of what stupid doctors want you to have. I went to 2 doctors and they told me not to worry blah blah. Well I did my own research and decided what needed to be done and now we’re many months ahead of where we would have been.

While it is a little dramatic to say I’ll find out if I ever get to have kids next Thursday, that’s how it feels. If the retrieval fails next Thursday, waiting another 6 months to try another technique feels like an entire lifetime.

I should try to fill up my waiting time with new hobbies or some self-improvement crap or or get off my butt and exercise. I mean, really what better time is there for that kind of thing than now when I’m up pacing the floors anyway? The ironic thing is that even though I’ve magically carved hours out of my days that weren’t there before we were infertile to do research and pace the floors with worry and before when I didn’t have the motivation to exercise and lose a little weight, now when I suddenly discover this extra time I used to waste doing who knows what and now that exercise wouldn’t just improve my looks but increase my chances of IVF success, I think I might be too depressed to exercise or be more of a homemaker! So infertility found me the hours I needed but now I’m too depressed to use them wisely. Sigh.

Then I try to remind myself to stop trying to keep up with other people or do what I’m “supposed” to do with my time. The important thing is that I try to be better today than I was yesterday.

Speaking of trying to start exercising, guess how lucky I am that I married Mr.E? I’m too scared to go to CrossFit like I really want to (CrossFit will change your body SO fast, I love it) because I’m so out of shape. So we decided to spend $300 on outfitting our basement with exercise equipment. He finished setting up the flooring, electricity, and TV for me today 🙂 After buying the flooring and some Zumba videos I have about $100 left. I’m going to use it to get some pull-up bands and some kind of contraption to do pull-ups down there. Maybe when I’ve graduated to the weakest band I’ll head over to CrossFit again.

Check it out! Hopefully when I write tomorrow about my Sonohyst and trial transfer I’ll be able to say I used our new home gym for the first time!

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2 thoughts on “Cycle Day 6 – Emotional Rollercoaster

  1. Good post – thanks. I just had a thought about the “lack of motivation” you mentioned for exercise or homemaking or whatever. I think you should not expect yourself to be “making the most” of every hour with hobbies or workouts or whatever. The time you are spending thinking, feeling and processing all of this is time well spent. It is something you are thinking about and working through. You will get back to a point that you are ready to conquer the world with all new hobbies and skills and work-outs – but you are doing great right now. If you find it’s helpful to get up or get out in order to clear your mind, then that’s great, but don’t feel down on yourself for taking things a bit slower. You are going through a lot and I know you will come out on top. I think some phases in our lives and changes and hard things we go through require us to slow down and sort through them. Nice job on your basement gym – you’ve conquered cross-fit before so I’m sure you’ll do it again!! Lots of Love to you guys!!!

    • Thanks for the comment @IhearttheEs! That made me a little teary eyed. Thank you so much for the support and for reminding me that this special time for meditation and reflection is just as important, if not more important, than getting skinny or making my house look prettier or whatever!
      -Mrs.E

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