mTESE is Two Months from Today

Me.E’s mTESE is tentatively scheduled for 2 months from today. I get butterflies every time I think about it. I’m not 100% sure what I’m nervous about. Is it that the results might mean we have to adopt? Or is it that it might mean we’re going to have kids?

The second one makes me giggle a little. Before we were infertile, I used to worry all the time about if we could afford kids now, how I wasn’t sure if I could be a stay at home mom like I want to be, how having kids would ruin my ability to sleep in on Saturday mornings, etc. Now those things barely register.

I look at the mTESE as either the beginning or end of something huge. Either someday I’ll get to be the mother of Mr.E’s babies who have his skin, his eyes, his lips, his intelligence, his sweet and generous disposition, or I won’t. Either I will get to experience the joys and pains of pregnancy and childbirth, or I won’t.

And I wonder will Mr.E get the opportunity to feel like a man? I think it’s an animal instinct to want to plant his seed. Men feel like they’ve accomplished something great when they’ve gotten their wives pregnant. I want that so much for Mr.E that it hurts me inside.

No wonder I’m nervous. It’s the beginning or end of fulfilling our dreams, dreams we had long before we ever met each other. I can only hope and pray that giving us this miracle of having biological children is God’s will.

Update 11/19/13:
Scheduling a cycle is like shooting at a target caught in a hurricane. As of today, both Mr.E’s mTESE and my egg retrieval are rescheduled for the following week in January.

For my previous egg retrieval I was on an agonist protocol (HCG trigger shot), but I got OHSS. This time, to prevent OHSS, they want to put me on an antagonist protocol (Lupron trigger shot). This change means we are less sure what day of the week my retrieval will be, which means that the mTESE can’t really be scheduled until 36-48 hours before surgery.

Will keep you updated!

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