I can hardly believe it, but it’s almost here. Mr.E’s mTESE will probably be 2 weeks from yesterday. Yesterday was my last day of birth control pills. I start my stimulation drugs on Thursday (only 4 days from now!). I will be taking the exact same stimulation drugs as last time, so assuming my follicles will be ready in a similar time frame, I’ll have retrieval 2 weeks from today. Mr.E is scheduled for mTESE the day before.
Over the last couple months I’ve been having more emotional breakdowns At church today, I was thinking about the atonement and how it is supposed to help us with our sorrows and grief. I found this article today that increased my understanding of the atonement.
I was so moved by the writing that I felt compelled to write the author a note:
Thank you so so so much for what you wrote about the Atonement.
My husband has zero sperm and we’ve been waiting for over a year for his mTESE procedure, which is less than 2 weeks from today. Only recently did I realize that a very large part of my incredible sorrow was really about how God viewed me.
I know He is a God of miracles, but I don’t know if I am a person He will bless with a miracle. And I don’t mean worthiness, but just whether or not He will choose me as recipient of this miracle of biological children.
I’m sitting in sacrament meeting right now, and during the Sacrament it occurred to me again that the atonement is supposed to be for our sorrows and griefs, not just our sins. I had the same question you did: but how? I understand the atonement and how it relates to sin and repentance. But how can it help with sorrow and grief not related to sin?
Once before when I thought about this, I decided that Christ and Heavenly Father can’t possibly understand how it feels to be infertile because they aren’t women. They don’t know what it’s like to dream of carrying and bearing children only to have that dream shattered, to feel like the entire purpose of your existence is stripped away. I’m so glad I pondered it again today and found your blog/article. It has really increased my understanding of the atonement.
If I am a person who won’t be blessed with this miracle, I know now that my relationship with Heavenly Father doesn’t have to come to an end. I don’t have to feel betrayed, forgotten or alone. I might feel that way for a little while, I suppose, but I will fight it by taking your advice and coming to Christ.
Thank you again