The Atonement and Infertility

I can hardly believe it, but it’s almost here. Mr.E’s mTESE will probably be 2 weeks from yesterday. Yesterday was my last day of birth control pills. I start my stimulation drugs on Thursday (only 4 days from now!). I will be taking the exact same stimulation drugs as last time, so assuming my follicles will be ready in a similar time frame, I’ll have retrieval 2 weeks from today. Mr.E is scheduled for mTESE the day before.

Over the last couple months I’ve been having more emotional breakdowns :/ At church today, I was thinking about the atonement and how it is supposed to help us with our sorrows and grief. I found this article today that increased my understanding of the atonement.

http://www.ldsinfertility.org/on-my-mind-making-the-atonement-tangible/

I was so moved by the writing that I felt compelled to write the author a note:

Thank you so so so much for what you wrote about the Atonement.

My husband has zero sperm and we’ve been waiting for over a year for his mTESE procedure, which is less than 2 weeks from today. Only recently did I realize that a very large part of my incredible sorrow was really about how God viewed me.

I know He is a God of miracles, but I don’t know if I am a person He will bless with a miracle. And I don’t mean worthiness, but just whether or not He will choose me as recipient of this miracle of biological children.

I’m sitting in sacrament meeting right now, and during the Sacrament it occurred to me again that the atonement is supposed to be for our sorrows and griefs, not just our sins. I had the same question you did: but how? I understand the atonement and how it relates to sin and repentance. But how can it help with sorrow and grief not related to sin?

Once before when I thought about this, I decided that Christ and Heavenly Father can’t possibly understand how it feels to be infertile because they aren’t women. They don’t know what it’s like to dream of carrying and bearing children only to have that dream shattered, to feel like the entire purpose of your existence is stripped away. I’m so glad I pondered it again today and found your blog/article. It has really increased my understanding of the atonement.

If I am a person who won’t be blessed with this miracle, I know now that my relationship with Heavenly Father doesn’t have to come to an end. I don’t have to feel betrayed, forgotten or alone. I might feel that way for a little while, I suppose, but I will fight it by taking your advice and coming to Christ.

Thank you again

Mrs.E

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7 thoughts on “The Atonement and Infertility

  1. hi Mrs. E, hope ur doing well. hope it works out for u guys. it will give me hope! my dh had his first sa after his varicocele surgery. we got the same result: zero sperm. our doctor told us that we have 50% chances with the mTese. I m really excited for u. Please dont forget to write about ur experience and result of the mTese. Good luck and God bless u both.

    • Thanks, Didi! Sorry to hear about your zero result 😦 it gets pretty old pretty quick, huh? Do you have a date scheduled for your mTESE?

      I will definitely update the blog with the results even if it’s a one line post!

  2. we didnt schedule the date for the mTESE yet…i was pretty upset about the result but I am fine now. Sometimes you have to fight in order to achieve something πŸ™‚ I ll be waiting patiently…babydust to u πŸ™‚

  3. Hi Mrs. E., once again Thank u for ur blog. it helps me so much. We are at the point where we have to decide if we want to freeze the sperm or use them right away. My husband doesn’t want me to go through the whole therapy because he is not sure that mTESE will be successful. But we trying to get an appointment end of March/beginning of April. Good Luck to u and ur hubby. My prayers will be with u on the 16th.

    • Hi, Didi! I’m glad to hear my blog is helpful! There aren’t too many of us dealing with azoospermia, so I always wonder if I’m wasting my time πŸ™‚

      I totally understand where your husband is coming from. It is a lot of money to spend on something that might not work out. And it’s a lot to put your body through for possibly no reason.

      If it helps, one of the main reasons we are doing it is because even if they don’t find sperm this weekend (it’s been pushed to probably Saturday 1/18), I have hopes that in the next ten years or so they will come up with a solution. I’m almost 33 years old. Ten years from now my eggs will be way too old!

      I will try to find some of the major breakthrough research and post it here on the blog. For example, some researchers were able to transplant stem cells into azoospermic mouse testicles, then later they were able to extract sperm, use ICSI, and produce healthy baby mice. I briefly spoke to our Andrology Lab director about this study. He agreed that it shows promise but for humans it could be 8-10 years before it’s ready for prime time.

      I’ll put together a post with all of the various studies I’ve come across that give me hope. Maybe it’s an unhealthy hope, but it’s hope nonetheless.

      Baby dust to you!!

  4. We read a documentary about stem cells on BBC. We contacted the scientist and asked her about stem cell transplantation. She told us its 3-5 years away. But she gave us the number of our urologist who is specialized in male infertility. That’s how we picked our doctor πŸ™‚ So I think its a good idea to freeze them. You won’t have to put your body through the whole procedure again. We will probably do the same thing…

    • That’s so great to hear! I’m glad to hear you were able to talk to the scientist and get a recommendation. It’s a long road for all of us, fortunately there’s good people to help us along the way!

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