It’s been a few weeks since Mr.E’s mTESE during which zero sperm were found. *sigh*
Plan A was to get pregnant like everyone else does. Didn’t happen. Plan B was to get pregnant using mTESE, ICSI, and IVF. Not gonna happen.
So now we have to move to Plan C. But we don’t know what Plan C should be! We basically have 8 options. In no particular order, they are:
1. Random sperm donor
2. Known sperm donor
3. Traditional adoption
4. Embryo adoption
6. Random egg donor plus sperm donor
7. Foster parenting
8. Remain childless
Options 6, 7, and 8 are not appealing to us, so we aren’t considering them right now. So that leaves us with some form of sperm donor or some form of adoption.
We’ve thought a lot about each of the 4 options. One of my biggest fears is that a child will have an identity crisis of some kind with any of these options. I would like to minimize their pain as much as possible.
Option 1 – Random Sperm Donor
With a random sperm donor I worry that there will be a big black question mark in the child’s mind about who their bio-dad is. And when the kids are teenagers and they understand what it means, they’ll realize that we picked their bio-dad out on the internet like shopping for a purse or shoes! Which, to me, is crazy. Huge black question mark! The pros:
– we could order sperm tomorrow and be pregnant on my next cycle
– inexpensive compared to adoption.
– bio-dad could be crazy, ugly, socially disabled, etc.
– there’s that big black question mark.
Option 2 – Known Sperm Donor
So what about asking someone we know to be the donor? My first choice would be Mr.E’s brother. Actually he’s my only choice. When using a known sperm donor, our clinic requires the donor and his wife to have at least one meeting with the clinic’s Reproductive Psychologist to make sure everyone knows the consequences of their decisions. The pros:
– his genes are pretty close to Mr.E’s genes
– no big black question mark or identity crisis
– the family tree hasn’t changed.
– potential awkwardness at family gatherings
– there’s minimum of 6 months from the day he gives his first sperm donation until the sperm can be used (FDA requirement to quarantine the sperm)
– if he says no, I might not be able to speak to him or his wife ever again
Option 3 – Traditional Adoption
Traditional adoption is a possibility. Personally, I like this option the least. We’ve already started the paperwork for our home study. During this process I’ve had 2 important thoughts come to my mind about why this might not be the right choice for us:
– there are a LOT more couples hoping to adopt than there are children and it seems wrong for us to take a baby away from another hopeful couple if they cannot carry a baby like I probably can
– I believe we are supposed to multiply and replenish the earth and adoption doesn’t accomplish that the way one of these other options would
We will still move forward with the home study because it’s required for Embryo Adoption (see below) and because we haven’t ruled this out completely.
Aside from those thoughts, the pros:
– if it’s an open adoption the children and their birth moms can be in contact
– there are lots of other people on the earth who are adopted so the children would have others they can relate to.
– I don’t carry the baby
– I won’t be able to breastfeed
– VERY long process
– VERY expensive
– bio-dad could still be a mystery
– we might never be chosen!
Option 4 – Embryo Adoption
Embryo Adoption is exactly what it sounds like. When other couples go through IVF and have their desired children but still have embryos remaining they can choose to have the embryos destroyed, donate them to research, or put them up for adoption by couples like us who can’t make our own embryos but who can still carry a baby. It is estimated that there are 600,000 frozen embryos in the United States. The adoption is still facilitated by an agency like traditional adoption. Most embryo adoption agencies require a home study and allow the bio-parents to choose the adoptive parents.
– some of those 600,000 embryos will have a chance at life
– the birth mom can’t change her mind at the last minute
– I get to carry the baby and breastfeed
– faster than traditional adoption
– the children will have biological siblings within our family
– the bio-parents won’t be a mystery.
– bio-parents could be crazy
– more expensive than donor sperm but cheaper than traditional adoption
– quality of embryos is not guaranteed so there’s a potential for more heartache because of BFNs and miscarriages
– we might never be chosen by bio-parents!
Which would you choose? Or, which did you choose and why?