I just hung up the phone with the clinic that is processing my brother-in-law’s sperm (he is our donor). Normally they have people donate 3 times in seven days (Monday, Wednesday, Friday). But it sounds like they only had him come in twice because he had so many sperm: 8 vials from his first donation and 5 from the second donation.
All of his tests for communicable diseases came back negative, except for CMV which isn’t a problem (about 50% of the population is CMV positive).
So… Why am I sobbing? I’m so jealous! How is this right for one brother to have so many sperm that his numbers are off the charts and the other has not a single freaking one? Why didn’t God answer our prayers for even just a few sperm from Mr.E? I want so much for Mr.E to have biological children. It just doesn’t seem fair 😦
I feel guilty for crying about this. I should be feeling gratitude.
But I think I’m seeing a pattern here: every time we cross a threshold or complete an obstacle I think I’m going to mourn our situation all over again. I don’t know if that’s healthy or not. I keep thinking I’ve made peace with our situation and with our solution. But I keep mourning my dreams that will never come to be when we reach these milestones.
Maybe recognizing my pattern will make it less painful at the next milestone, which I think will be egg retrieval or when they call us to tell us how many embryos we have.
Does anybody else have a list of questions they plan on asking God after they get to heaven? I do. Mine is a mental list. Since this happened though, I’ve forgotten every single one of my questions except this one about this azoospermia thing. I don’t just want to know why, I want to understand what He hoped, or is hoping, I would get out of this experience.