I find myself apologizing a lot lately. My husband asks me, “What’s wrong?” and I find myself responding quite often with an apology and, “I’m just an angry, angry person.”
Now that it’s getting closer to IVF #3 and we will almost certainly have embryos to transfer, I’m very angry. I’m so angry. I don’t want to have a baby with some other guy’s sperm. I want a baby with Mr.E’s sperm.
Ugh. But I should be feeling so grateful. Other women don’t have nearly the options we do. I should be grateful we have this opportunity. I mean, I am grateful, but I feel like it’s just not enough. I feel like we deserve to have our dreams come true.
I know once we have a baby we will love him or her, no matter where the baby comes from. It’s just right now I’m so frustrated. Even though I knew when Mr.E’s mTESE was negative that we wouldn’t have biological children, it’s almost like it didn’t hit me until yesterday when we got our IVF calendar and our baby’s due date would be March 11, 2015, assuming all goes perfectly well.
Maybe I just need another grieving period to say goodbye to our dream again. Or I need a reality check and I need to count my blessings.
What I know for sure:
– we are in charge of creating the physical body, Heavenly Father chooses which spirit is sent to us
– the spirits of our children would come to our family one way or another no matter whose sperm or egg we use
– we will love our children and cherish them more because we had to work so freaking hard to get them here
– we are so blessed that Mr.E’s brother is willing to be our donor
– we are so blessed that I am (probably) fertile and can carry a pregnancy (probably)
I hope I won’t be angry forever. I hope I can stop feeling sorry for myself soon and start showing gratitude for the many, many blessings we have.