Gratitude in Infertility

I find myself apologizing a lot lately. My husband asks me, “What’s wrong?” and I find myself responding quite often with an apology and, “I’m just an angry, angry person.”

Now that it’s getting closer to IVF #3 and we will almost certainly have embryos to transfer, I’m very angry. I’m so angry. I don’t want to have a baby with some other guy’s sperm. I want a baby with Mr.E’s sperm.

Ugh. But I should be feeling so grateful. Other women don’t have nearly the options we do. I should be grateful we have this opportunity. I mean, I am grateful, but I feel like it’s just not enough. I feel like we deserve to have our dreams come true.

I know once we have a baby we will love him or her, no matter where the baby comes from. It’s just right now I’m so frustrated. Even though I knew when Mr.E’s mTESE was negative that we wouldn’t have biological children, it’s almost like it didn’t hit me until yesterday when we got our IVF calendar and our baby’s due date would be March 11, 2015, assuming all goes perfectly well.

Maybe I just need another grieving period to say goodbye to our dream again. Or I need a reality check and I need to count my blessings.

What I know for sure:
– we are in charge of creating the physical body, Heavenly Father chooses which spirit is sent to us
– the spirits of our children would come to our family one way or another no matter whose sperm or egg we use
– we will love our children and cherish them more because we had to work so freaking hard to get them here
– we are so blessed that Mr.E’s brother is willing to be our donor
– we are so blessed that I am (probably) fertile and can carry a pregnancy (probably)

I hope I won’t be angry forever. I hope I can stop feeling sorry for myself soon and start showing gratitude for the many, many blessings we have.

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15 thoughts on “Gratitude in Infertility

  1. Mrs. E – checking in after a long time, I’m sorry! I have been reading your posts, just no time to comment….been going through sort of a crazy phase of life. Hoping to take some time to slow down and try at least one frozen cycle in the next few months. I love your post today….I love how honest you are. These are real, raw emotions…and they are so, so normal! You’d be a weirdo if you weren’t feeling like this. Your list at the end was encouraging to me as well, being in a similar situation. To remind you re: our situation, they did find enough sperm to fertilize all the eggs during our IVF, but the first transfer didn’t take….we have five frozen embryos, but Dr. pointed out there’s always the possibility implantation did not occur due to abnormalities with the sperm (apparently this is possible even when they are able to fertilize an egg). So, we’ll go thru our five and see what happens. Early on, my husband brought up his brother as a potential donor. We haven’t gone there yet, but I know who to come to with questions if/when we do! Your recent posts on the options considered, telling the family & asking Mr E’s brother were thought-provoking and also comforting, knowing that there are other people out there dealing with unexplained male infertility like us. I can completely feel with you right now….I am going to be praying for your outlook and attitude & of course that the everything goes well this time and you end up pregnant. God bless you and Mr. E!

    • I’m so happy for you that they were able to find sperm!! That’s so exciting! Were they able to find enough sperm to have some frozen for more tries with additional egg retrievals? I’ll be thinking about you and praying for you that some of your embryos take!

      • Yes, we do have some frozen, although I doubt we’ll ever be able to afford a retrieval cycle again….the frozen cycles are way cheaper, so I pray at least one out of five will work πŸ™‚ Thank you for your prayers! I hope this blog brings you some comfort and support, especially when going through this next cycle….we can all relate to what you are going through and are wishing you the best and cheering you guys on. Let the excitement outweigh the anger πŸ™‚ Take care honey!

  2. PS – I know you’ve had eggs frozen during two previous cycles….why didn’t the doctor decide to use those? Are fresh just way better?

    • Our new clinic offered to use them, but we are saving those 21 eggs for a couple reasons: 1) hopeful for a stem cell miracle someday for Mr.E, and 2) we want to have a big family so I’ll probably be having kids into my late 30s. It will be good to have some 32 yr old eggs as a back up. I have a low AMH which means diminished ovarian reserve.

    • I’m so excited for you! Can’t wait to hear how it goes. We’ll be almost on the same IVF schedule πŸ™‚ We will definitely be praying for you!

      Thank you for the article! I will devour it!

  3. Reading this makes me want to give you a big hug. It won’t help for me to say, ”It’s okay, everything will work out,” because it’s just words and I don’t know about you, but I got sick of hearing people say that.

    It is okay to be angry and I can say with almost complete certainty that you will not be angry forever. Someday, somehow, you will be a mother and when you are the anger will melt away. No matter how it eventually happens.

    Don’t ever bury these sort of feelings – letting them out on here is wonderful. It isn’t fair what you and your husband have to go through to become parents and you are totally justified to feel how you do. It is hard to feel grateful for things, or to see the positive in situations when you’re right in the middle of it all. Don’t make yourself feel guilty for feeling upset right now.

    Sending the biggest hug!

    • Thank you so very much. When I was single and it seemed to be taking for.ev.er to find a husband, I used to ask my mom on a pretty regular basis (weekly), “Do you think I’ll ever get married?” And each time, she said, “Definitely. Yes.” And that was enough for me to live on until the next week when doubt started creeping in again. So I thank you thank you thank you for telling me I won’t be angry forever. I will come on here and read this note from you every week, or however often I start to doubt and wonder again if I’ll be angry forever. Thank you. Can’t thank you enough.

  4. Can I just tell you, this line you wrote has been on my mind so much since I read it:
    “The spirits of our children would come to our family one way or another no matter whose sperm or egg we use.”
    I have NEVER thought about this before….I believe it!! Thank you Mrs. E!

    • Ashley, funny, I almost didn’t write it because I worried a little that other readers would be weirded out by funky LDS theology. Well, to be accurate I’ve never heard a general authority say that sentence, but given everything else we’ve been taught it makes perfect sense to me. Our spirit children are waiting and hoping right along with us!

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