Directed Donor Testing Results

I just hung up the phone with the clinic that is processing my brother-in-law’s sperm (he is our donor). Normally they have people donate 3 times in seven days (Monday, Wednesday, Friday). But it sounds like they only had him come in twice because he had so many sperm: 8 vials from his first donation and 5 from the second donation.

All of his tests for communicable diseases came back negative, except for CMV which isn’t a problem (about 50% of the population is CMV positive).

So… Why am I sobbing? I’m so jealous! How is this right for one brother to have so many sperm that his numbers are off the charts and the other has not a single freaking one? Why didn’t God answer our prayers for even just a few sperm from Mr.E? I want so much for Mr.E to have biological children. It just doesn’t seem fair 😦

I feel guilty for crying about this. I should be feeling gratitude.

But I think I’m seeing a pattern here: every time we cross a threshold or complete an obstacle I think I’m going to mourn our situation all over again. I don’t know if that’s healthy or not. I keep thinking I’ve made peace with our situation and with our solution. But I keep mourning my dreams that will never come to be when we reach these milestones.

Maybe recognizing my pattern will make it less painful at the next milestone, which I think will be egg retrieval or when they call us to tell us how many embryos we have.

Does anybody else have a list of questions they plan on asking God after they get to heaven? I do. Mine is a mental list. Since this happened though, I’ve forgotten every single one of my questions except this one about this azoospermia thing. I don’t just want to know why, I want to understand what He hoped, or is hoping, I would get out of this experience.

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3 thoughts on “Directed Donor Testing Results

  1. I am so sorry! It’s great news that he has so much sperm for you to use but at the same time, so frustrating! My husband and I always talk about how all we need is just one little sperm to just magically make me pregnant, we know Heavenly Father could do it but for some reason it’s just not the plan for us. Sometimes it’s just so frustrating and confusing. I totally agree, what are we supposed to learn from this experience? I know life isn’t fair, but how is it fair that people who don’t even want to get pregnant get pregnant all the time?

    You don’t have anything to feel guilty about! This whole situation just sucks. That’s pretty much all there is to it. Of course it’s always good and important to be grateful but I think you can also feel sad at the same time. I don’t know if that makes sense, but it feels like that.

  2. This is totally normal to feel like you just want answers to why infertility has picked you. I think that was the hardest thing for me because I never thought we would have issues. Then when my DH semen analysis came back I felt like I had been smacked in the face. It was the ultimate test of my faith and I just wanted to know why God wouldn’t bless us the same. So your mental list for God is such a true statement. I know I have my own list too and just never thought of it until I read your post. I’m so sorry you are going through this. Please know that choosing a donor is the hardest thing and I don’t think people outside of the infertility world understand that grief of not having a biological child. But at the same time having a donor, especially one you know and trust, is a miracle in itself. I wish only blessings for you, truly I understand your grief and just pray that this will bring you all joy even if it isn’t how you thought it would end up. I really do want to hear how things go for you all, I’m sending you tons of baby dust. Miracles do come true, I never thought we would get ours but somehow we made it. I know that even if we feel like our faith is tested and our situation looks unreal there is hope. And you have all of us the lean on for support, we are living it and all praying for you. It is ok to grieve and I definitely think infertility gives you a million reasons to grieve for many reasons. I think going to a grief counselor was the best thing I ever did because I was able to get some validation off feelings that I, just like you, thought I shouldn’t really be feelings.

    • I’m emotionally exhausted so I feel like can’t respond properly to these extremely kind words. Thank you so much for taking the time to write out such a thoughtful response. Thank you

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