After Michael Jackson died, I swear my iPod played his music more often than it did before. I was pretty sure Apple had changed their random algorithm temporarily. Of course it isn’t true, it just seemed that way because of the circumstances. What does this have to do with anything? You’ll see.
I’m embarrassed to even write parts of this post because I feel like such a worrywart dork. Frankly, I’m a nervous wreck. About everything:
“I have to go to the bathroom. Good. I want to check if there’s any blood. Great! No blood this time!”
“I just woke up on my right side. Crap, I hope the babies are ok.”
“Ouch there’s that cramping again. I know it’s normal for other pregnant ladies, but what about me? I hope the babies are ok.”
“Does that bacon have nitrates?”
“I hope this headache doesn’t get worse, I don’t want to take Tylenol. It depletes glutathione.”
“Is today an egg day? Eggs have choline so I need to eat 2-3 eggs every other day.”
“I don’t have any friends to invite to a baby shower since infertility made me want to isolate myself from the rest of the world for the past 2 years.”
“I better make breastfeeding work because formula is expensive. Times 2.”
“I just sneezed and felt a super sharp pain in my belly. Oh my gosh, it’s not going away!! Oh wait. There it goes. Phew. I hope the babies are ok.”
“Whoops, I forgot I was pregnant and sat down too hard. Crap. I hope the babies are ok.”
“I hope I make it to full term. I don’t want to leave the hospital with babies in the NICU.”
“I really want some Costco Pizza. I hope that’s not bad for the babies.”
“We can’t afford organic fruits and veggies AND organic, hormone free, grass fed meats. I hope pesticides are ok for the babies. What am I saying! Of course they’re not. Maybe I should just skip fruits and veggies.”
“This shower feels good. Hmmm, I wonder if that means it’s too hot for the babies. I better turn it colder. Gosh, when am I going to remember to buy a thermometer for the shower so I can test the water?”
This is just a small sampling of what goes through my head, sometimes multiple times a day.
Yesterday at about 4pm, for the first time since 9dp5dt I had blood when I wiped. It wasn’t bright red blood, just pink. It scared me because before I went to the bathroom I had cramping. And then the cramping seemed to get worse and it lasted for hours. So I called the IVF clinic hoping someone could do an ultrasound right away and tell me if the babies are still ok. They couldn’t see me until this morning. I was very disappointed, but decided to just go home and rest and cry about it.
I kept thinking and saying, “I knew it was too good to be true.” Mr.E tried to comfort me. He wasn’t worried, he said he doesn’t worry about stuff until after it’s confirmed. I have NO idea how to do that.
Anyway, late last night a new set of darker pink blood started after the first round had turned brown. And I noticed I still had the cramping.
This morning I woke up in really good spirits. I was laughing and joking between bouts of morning sickness. Then we all got in the car to go to the ultrasound.
When we were sitting in the waiting room I started thinking about how my iPod played more Michael Jackson after he died. And I started wondering if I imagined the “extra” cramping with the bleeding. The more I thought about it, the more I was pretty sure that was true.
The ultrasound itself went great. Two wonderful heartbeats, 132 and 136 bpm. Baby A was almost triple his/her previous size at the first ultrasound. Baby B was more than double his/her previous size.
I cried tears of relief and joy as soon as he showed each baby and their heartbeat. What a roller coaster of emotions this journey is!
I took a nap when I got home home and when I woke up I started theorizing about all those worries I listed above and everything else that happens to me. I wondered if that Michael Jackson iPod phenomenon fueled so many of my other worries.
Here’s the theory I came up with: once you’re infertile, you’ve beat the odds in the worst way possible. You realize that bad things can happen to you, so you start to see them in your life more often than you used to. In reality, I think it’s just that infertility makes you examine your life under a magnifying glass. Things that wouldn’t have seemed so bad before are now huge and feel insurmountable. The bad things seem to happen more often and success seems further away.
Of course, just like my iPod didn’t play Michael Jackson more often after he died, infertility doesn’t make you more susceptible to bad things happening. It doesn’t mean that any joy you experience is too good to be true.